when did "emo" lose its coolness

There's been a series of craziness that has gone through my life forever..

as i sit here at 5:40 in the morning .. in my solitude.. i start thinking.

i'm scared.. for the first time in my life i'm actually, all joking aside, scared about the future.

thinking about literally hundreds of people who shaped me.. people who made me who i am... these are the people who would rather have nothing to do with me.

from the beginnings of punk rock.. to the beginnings of the theater.

everyone.

it makes me think.. again .

but i think about how small of a role so many people play in our lives.. it used to always keep me sane that i would have these people around. but truth be told after the losses i'm sick of losing people. .. either losing touch.. or arguments. death or whatever else causes us to become selectively deaf to people we don't care to associate with anymore..

i need people.. i need them all the time.. whether or not that makes me a weak person is irrelevant. but what it does make me.. *at least i believe* is human.

I know that people go through chapters and lose touch.. well. maybe I'M the crazy one.. but i don't think this gives a reason to shut out the important people. i've always tried to include everyone with everyone else.

i know this blog is very whiny.. but oh well .. if you don't like it.. shove something somewhere.

i was just thinking about ex girlfriends.. like.. what are marissa and christienna up to these days. why does kelle feel the need to ignore everything i send her as though she feels resentment over an unknown problem she had with me.

about good friends. like .. why am i not interesting to jeff miller who used to love having me around.. why does jeff wilson always feel as though i have a vendetta against him .. which if we were playing opposite day .. then that would be true

and lastly. just the past in general.. i really used to know who i was.

anymore..


who the hell am i?


out.
r