There's been a series of craziness that has gone through my life forever..
as i sit here at 5:40 in the morning .. in my solitude.. i start thinking.
i'm scared.. for the first time in my life i'm actually, all joking aside, scared about the future.
thinking about literally hundreds of people who shaped me.. people who made me who i am... these are the people who would rather have nothing to do with me.
from the beginnings of punk rock.. to the beginnings of the theater.
everyone.
it makes me think.. again .
but i think about how small of a role so many people play in our lives.. it used to always keep me sane that i would have these people around. but truth be told after the losses i'm sick of losing people. .. either losing touch.. or arguments. death or whatever else causes us to become selectively deaf to people we don't care to associate with anymore..
i need people.. i need them all the time.. whether or not that makes me a weak person is irrelevant. but what it does make me.. *at least i believe* is human.
I know that people go through chapters and lose touch.. well. maybe I'M the crazy one.. but i don't think this gives a reason to shut out the important people. i've always tried to include everyone with everyone else.
i know this blog is very whiny.. but oh well .. if you don't like it.. shove something somewhere.
i was just thinking about ex girlfriends.. like.. what are marissa and christienna up to these days. why does kelle feel the need to ignore everything i send her as though she feels resentment over an unknown problem she had with me.
about good friends. like .. why am i not interesting to jeff miller who used to love having me around.. why does jeff wilson always feel as though i have a vendetta against him .. which if we were playing opposite day .. then that would be true
and lastly. just the past in general.. i really used to know who i was.
anymore..
who the hell am i?
out.
r
Friday, March 14, 2008
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
yeah yeah it's been a while i know *warning sad stuff inside*
So here it is the middle of March. In approximately one month the bright lights of Broadway will be calling my name.
in other news i've decided that i need to record more starting tomorrow. there's so much music going on in my head every single day and it needs to get out of there and onto my computer.
so i found a long, lost friend the other day.
it's interesting we hadn't seen each other in almost 9 years and we're still as close.. possibly closer than we ever have been. she is a wonderful soul.. some of the discussions we had really hurt me to my core but i think that the reason we found each other again is so i can be there for her. she's always felt like my little sister.. and imagine not seeing that person for 9 years? yeah it's a pretty awesome experience.
we talked a lot about the people close to us that have died.
i remember being 13 and no one close to me had died. i had no idea how finite it really was then people starting dying left and right on me.. friends, relatives, acquaintances.
i know it's cliche but you do always think about the standard blame yourself thing that we all do. i didn't tell them that I loved them enough.. i wasn't there for them enough. i didn't get a chance to say goodbye .. most of these things are very hard to go through in your head. but there is one comfort in life.. regardless if you believe as i do or not. is that these wonderful people in our lives are a gift... yes they can go away at any moment .. but what i've taken from each death that i've had the unfortunate part of dealing with .. is that whenever someone close to you dies.. it makes you want to love the people that you still have that much more. and the older you get .. the more important those friendships become. and how filled up with life you can be when you're around the people that mean the most to you.
anyway.. here's my five wishes going into the latter part of March to mid-April
1). ok legally blonde actors/actresses. *esp. kate s. , laura, michael, orfeh and christian* please.. keep taking your vitamin C and stay healthy so i can hear/see the wonderfulness that is the show you created and perform :)
2) please let this writing a musical thing happen. i think it could be really good for me.
3) that my *sister* will keep thinking "outside the box*
4) corny wish .. yeah.. i played powerball.. and that loft in nyc sounds really good about right now.
5) people will stop thinking that AIDS doesn't affect anyone close to them.. it's still just as deadly as it was 10 years ago.. and it's still killing millions of people.. just because people aren't talking about it as much.. doesn't mean that it's gone.
loves all.
-r
in other news i've decided that i need to record more starting tomorrow. there's so much music going on in my head every single day and it needs to get out of there and onto my computer.
so i found a long, lost friend the other day.
it's interesting we hadn't seen each other in almost 9 years and we're still as close.. possibly closer than we ever have been. she is a wonderful soul.. some of the discussions we had really hurt me to my core but i think that the reason we found each other again is so i can be there for her. she's always felt like my little sister.. and imagine not seeing that person for 9 years? yeah it's a pretty awesome experience.
we talked a lot about the people close to us that have died.
i remember being 13 and no one close to me had died. i had no idea how finite it really was then people starting dying left and right on me.. friends, relatives, acquaintances.
i know it's cliche but you do always think about the standard blame yourself thing that we all do. i didn't tell them that I loved them enough.. i wasn't there for them enough. i didn't get a chance to say goodbye .. most of these things are very hard to go through in your head. but there is one comfort in life.. regardless if you believe as i do or not. is that these wonderful people in our lives are a gift... yes they can go away at any moment .. but what i've taken from each death that i've had the unfortunate part of dealing with .. is that whenever someone close to you dies.. it makes you want to love the people that you still have that much more. and the older you get .. the more important those friendships become. and how filled up with life you can be when you're around the people that mean the most to you.
anyway.. here's my five wishes going into the latter part of March to mid-April
1). ok legally blonde actors/actresses. *esp. kate s. , laura, michael, orfeh and christian* please.. keep taking your vitamin C and stay healthy so i can hear/see the wonderfulness that is the show you created and perform :)
2) please let this writing a musical thing happen. i think it could be really good for me.
3) that my *sister* will keep thinking "outside the box*
4) corny wish .. yeah.. i played powerball.. and that loft in nyc sounds really good about right now.
5) people will stop thinking that AIDS doesn't affect anyone close to them.. it's still just as deadly as it was 10 years ago.. and it's still killing millions of people.. just because people aren't talking about it as much.. doesn't mean that it's gone.
loves all.
-r
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